It will be no surprise to hear that when you discover you are 12 weeks pregnant when it wasn’t planned or expected is a big life changer and it kinda knocks you off your feet!
Everyone says when they hear our story that it’s great I missed the first 12 weeks as it’s the worst time when pregnant. I can kind of see their point. Looking back when I was feeling sick, had headaches and felt tired I put it down to feeling run down. ( by the way the tiredness is real folks, my god does this little human zapp you of all you have!) however, it also meant I didn’t look after myself, not the way you probably should when being pregnant.
I was going out and drinking a lot. I moved from York to london and not only had a few leaving parties but I heaved heavy boxes up and down stairs and put my body through some long days and nights. Poor little bean growing inside me.
When you look back at that knowing you were growing a little human, you start to panic. Yeah, I got through the worst without knowing but what damage did that do? I’ve had 12 weeks not knowing, and for me that’s 12 weeks of missing out on such a glorious experience. Sickness included.
The funny thing is, I really was clueless. I didn’t suffer from morning sickness (another blessing apparently) I was nauseous and the only other sign was the size and rate my boobs grew.
Well I didn’t twig when my belly was growing slightly. I put that down to the extra food over the December period.
It also wasn’t my boobs or the amount of food I suddenly felt I needed.
This is going to sound weird but on the 29th December I was having a lovely morning with my mum getting a massage. When I was lying on the bed, feeling the tranquility of the massage set in, something rushed over me. Something told me, go get a pregnancy test. Why? Where did that thought come from? I have no idea.
My body must have just had enough.
The next few days, weeks and even month flashed by throwing surprise by surprise. Emotion by emotion.
I secretly did the test not thinking it was real, however, my life changed as soon as I saw that positive pregnancy sign.
It wasn’t easy though and it certainly wasn’t a magical celebration which yeah i know sounds sad, but we had a lot to consider and comprehend.
Were we ready? Could we afford it? Had we been together long enough? NO, is the answer you are looking for. However, we faced it and took each day as it came.
We ended up having an emergency scan about a week after taking the test. At this point I was still questioning if it was real. If everything was okay. I really didn’t know what to expect.
Lying there, with my boyfriend holding my hand and trying to gauge the sonographers face was a moment I’ll never forget. Especially when she turns and says, yeah there is a baby there, he has a beating heart, and then turns the screen for you to see your baby for the first time. INCREDIBLE. That moment, that was when I became a Mum.
She continued to check our baby, and then came the other surprise. It looks like your 14 weeks pregnant. She said.
Err you what! Any kind of timeframe I had went out the window and I had no concept of time then.
We were sent over to the anti natal ward to get everything in place. This is where it went a little wrong. Obviously, with being 14 weeks I should have been booked in for a ’12 week scan’ there and then but instead i was asked to come back 4 weeks later for it.
I didn’t question it, just thought maybe the sonographer got it wrong. My head was up my arse, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and just thought, they know what they are doing. Obviously not. Wrong dates were looked at so by the time my 12 week scan came along, I was actually 18 weeks!
So we had been keeping the news quiet thinking we were still in the ‘unsafe’ zone. Which by the way is the one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. You start to change little bits of your routine, diet and the none drinking is a big give away especially for someone like me.
At that scan, we also thrown the question ‘do you want to know the sex?’ Arghhh slow down, this is all happening to fast.
We found out, I think it helped Michael process everything a little better. I always thought I’d wait for the surprise but everything was a whirlwind already, it probably gave us some stability.
Seeing our baby boy for the second time and hearing his heartbeat. Another moment I’ll cherish forever.
This is point things started to settle as at that point we’d got all the news possible and we could then start sharing our news to the bigger world.
I’ve spent the last 7 weeks embracing body changes, feeling his flutters turn to kicks, and seeing his movements from the inside. I know I’m going to miss this bump when he’s finally here but we are both now so excited for his journey to start in the real world.
For the moment though, I want to cherish every part of the pregnancy. I really do feel I’ve missed out on so much not knowing till then, and because of the shock of everything we didn’t embrace it until further down the line.
I had days where I felt disconnected from it all and others where I felt so protected but it was so up and down and difficult at times. Which I do feel very sad about, however, I look at my baby bump now and that sadness disappears. I’m filled with a love like no other.
I’ve learnt so much. About myself. About Michael. And about how powerful our bodies can be. I’ve had some incredible support from my friends and family. You have got me through it!
As I enter into my third trimester I will be sharing a weekly diary so keep your eye out as I share life and tribulations as a Mum to be. Xx